"And how are YOU handling all this?"

In the previous post, I responded to the list of questions I often hear from friends and family when talking about Ryan's condition.  I left off the last question because the entry was already getting quite long.  After people ask me what the diagnosis means, where we go from here, and how Ryan is handling it, I find they then ask me how I am handling it.  


When asked about my own thoughts and feelings on the situation, my answers vary depending on how much I think my conversation partner really wants to hear.  I am going to use this post as an opportunity to actually address that question as honestly as I can, for those that would like to know.  


Like Ryan, I know my faith in God has been the foundation of my strength over the last year.  I have had people say things like, "I can't believe you are handling this so well," or "I can't believe you're okay with all of this."  My response to those people is to consider how our journey has changed over the last year.  


We got a call from our primary care physician on a Sunday morning (actually three messages on the answering machine while we were at church), telling us we needed to get Ryan to the ER as soon as possible.  The doctor was afraid Ryan was in kidney failure.  That first 24 hours, I sat around waiting for someone to tell me my husband was dying.  Once they confirmed his kidney's were fine but there were crazy things going on with his nerves and muscles that they couldn't diagnosis, they were considering ALS, which would have taken Ryan's life in a couple years.  Once they confirmed his nerves were functioning fine, we slowly worked our way through possible diseases until we got to our answer.  


Looking back on that journey, I remind people that for a number of months, I would ask myself, everyday, what I would do when I lost my husband.  (Keep in mind we had a toddler at home and I was 5 months pregnant when Ryan was sent to the hospital for the first time).  I was a wreck.  While Ryan was in the hospital I would sit with him as long as I could, we would watch TV and just hang out.  Then, I would go back to my parents house and just cry.  I was so scared.  So considering that I have journeyed from the idea that I would lose my husband, to the idea that he will likely be in a wheelchair in 20 years, I am over the moon!  Once I knew Ryan would be around, I knew we could get through anything.


So when people ask me how I am handling it I often say that where we are now, and the prognosis we have, is much better then it could have been.  Every day I have with him is a blessing and I now understand and appreciate that more then I ever have.  I am a woman of God and He gives me strength and courage.  Am I sad for Ryan? A little.  I think part of me mourns the things he may miss out on in his life.  Am I scared? Not anymore!  I have Ryan, and together, we can get through anything... one day at a time.